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Wow.


Yeah...I'm back, believe it or not. I have no idea how long it'll last, but I figured I'd post a little something anyways.

Looking back through my LJ at all the absolutely awful bullshit my ex put me through makes me so mad, not at him(actually, I rather pity him), but at myself for putting up with it. I let that boy tear me apart for his own personal amusement, and even after I broke free, all my doubts still lingered. I honestly though I was worthless for months until a few guys helped to change my mind. One casual boyfriend got so angry when I flinched when he raised his hand up near my face. Another was a pretty good looking guy who explored nearly every inch of me, and proclaimed it all beautiful. No huge impact, but still nice to hear. But the last, he caught me when I was finally starting to believe in myself again, and he blew all my doubts away.

I knew him as a stupid cocky 15 year-old and even though we tormented each other, we could marginally have been called friends. Even back when I was starting to get involved with Asshole, he always intrigued me. I saw him again last month, and something clicked. He was all grown up, and the Marines had turned him into a gentleman, not quite the one every little girl wishes for, but close. But forget all that; the amazing thing is that with him I'm not afraid. I don't worry that he'll hurt me when he's angry, I don't worry about any of that.

I haven't been his long, but to both of us it feels like it's been forever. I'm actually happy for the first time in so long, not just content but truly happy.

So yeah...that's what I've been up to. Definitely an improvement, don't y'all think?

May. 12th, 2008


So apparently I have a choice to make.

I love him. I would die just to make him happy. But I can only take so much. I'm tired of fighting him for every inch, I'm tired of him be so fucking afraid to admit that I'm his. I'm tired of me always being the one at fault, and of him refusing to stand up to his dad, to say a fucking word about him calling me a slut. I just want him to admit that he loves me, and maybe just remind me every now and then.

But I still want to go back and say it was all my fault and that I can wait. I still just want to rest my head in that hollow between his shoulder and his pec and feel hard muscle all around me. I want to feel safe and protected. I want to remember that I'm worth something after all and that he would fight to keep me. And I know that it would kill me to watch all those girls hurt him again, to see him treat them like princesses and waste his time and money on another dumb bitch.

Even after that, I still want him to admit to it. I don't want to waste all of high school and not even be able to say that I had a boyfriend. I'm tired of hearing him say "We're just friends." I want a guy that will appreciate me and show me off and work for me. I want to be chased again.

I gave it all up for him, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.

What do I do??

Feb. 16th, 2008


I know it's been awhile, but here's what I'd say if I has the balls:

I'm sorry I don't have that flawless body.
I'm sorry I can't put up with everything you say.
I'm sorry I'm not that gorgeous preppy type you love so much.
I'm sorry I'm not fucking perfect.

But what other girl will be your property.
What other girl will put up with your flirting?
What other girl will handle your moodiness?
What other girl can take your macho attitude?
What other girl will let you always be in charge?

I may not be perfect but either are you.
And I love you because of that.
I love you because I can trust you.
I love you because when you hold me everything is right in the world.

But I can't take it much longer.
I'm patient, but I can only wait so long.
I'm understanding, but I can only take so much.
I'm tired of being neglected.
I'm sick of being hurt.

I've never truly had that self-confidence you think is so common.
I have only the smallest ounce of self-esteem.
When I'm with you it doesn't matter.
But I can only take so much before I break.

I can't take care of everyone for long if there's no one to take care of me.

Oct. 30th, 2007


I've finally started enjoying being single again.

I mean sure, I don't have someone to love and all that stuff, but I'm alright. Because I have a little court of guys all after me. Maybe not me alone, but they're definitley trying specifically for me.

Example:
Guy A is one of the few who has somewhat of an attatchment to me and vice versa, although circumstances prevent a relationship. He's also good friends with Guy B who is also trying to sleep with me. If I were to hook up with Guy B, he would tell Guy A, which would cause a bit of trouble. Guy A knows about Guy C, but Guy B doesn't. Guy B however, happens to know Guy C personally and would take it slightly amiss if he found out about Guy C.

As twisted as it may seem, I'm having an awful lot of fun with my little court. Honestly, I don't know any other way to be. I've never had a serious relationship, and I haven't had even a casual one in nearly 2 years. I'm somewhat of a hedonist and a sensualist, so it's honestly torture for me to be without that kind of contact at least every few weeks. So I learned how to get what I want pretty damn quick.

I have no idea why, but there's a lot of guys that can't seem to resist me. Basically I'm just thinking out loud about this.

But one thing's for sure. Don't pity me - I'm probably having a better time than you are!

Oct. 10th, 2007


So it's 5:48 in the morning, and I've got time to kill.

Yay me!

Life's been weird. Relations with neighbor are undefined, but I'm annoyed at him anyways, so I'm not talking to him today.

Gained a little under 2 lbs from shitty eating since Friday, so I'm doing penance for that today and Thursday. Well, until Thursday night when we go to Frontera!

Yeah, going to Atlanta on Thursday, won't be back until Monday.

And now I've gotta get going.

I'm 16 in 25 days!!!!!

Matricide.


It's not that I don't love my mom. I'm sure I do. Deep down somewhere.

It's just that she drives me absolutely fucking insane. Especially her "poor little me" routine. Like I don't work just as hard. Like life isn't just as hard for me.

Believe what you want, but I'm not a child. I'm perfectly familiar with what she does on a daily basis and what she lives with, because I live with at least part of it and I've taken over all of her responsiblities before. For weeks, not just a day or so.

But I will do anything I have to in order to get out and stay out of here. I'm never moving back in like my sister. After I graduate high school, I'm never living with my mother ever again.

I don't care what I have to do. I'll marry whoever I have to, do whatever job I have to. I'm not staying here any longer than I need to so that I can graduate and get what I need to have a successful career, life, whatever.

As long as I don't lose it before then.

My Life As of Right Now


Well, I've been neglecting my LJ and I'm way too lazy to write it all out right now, so I'll make a list. Don't I always?

Yes. I love lists. So here we go:


  • Guys:
    • My Almost Boyfriend: He's moving closer in the next few months, and I'm really hoping he'll be close enough that I can go out with him. I really do like the kid, and something just felt so right about the whole thing.
    • My Future Boyfriend: Yes, I do have a future boyfriend. In fact, he's the same one with the 8 month hookup and all that. Once I'm 18, I'm all his. I'm actually really happy about it.
    • My Future Husband: I randomly started talking to him on Facebook. We'll see what happens.
    • Newspaper Kid: There's this one guy from my newspaper class that I'll probably hook up. Nothing else to report there, really.

  • School is alright, my grades need to come up, but other than that it's alright.
  • Social life is ridiculous. People are making plans with me like, 2 weeks in advance just to chill. I'm always busy.
  • I need a job...about a month and a half until I can apply for the one I want. The only thing that bothers me is that I need to change my appearance just a little if I wanna work at Hot Topic. I have a month and a half to make myself fit in a little better. Plus I know almost everyone who works there, and the assistant manager. I just need to get on the manager's good side and I should be set.

    Screw it.


    I figured something like this would happen. Counted on it, actually.

    I haven't heard from Fox since the voicemail he left on Wednesday. I can't call him because I don't know if he has his phone back from his mom. Probably not. And I'm not about to call the number he left the voicemail from.

    Now, Raymond says he called the number(who is Raymond's sister's boyfriend) and talked to Drake. But Raymond lies. He says Drake said Fox had a new girl.

    I haven't talked to Fox, so I don't know how true it is. But I can't really trust either of them. Raymond's a little shit that doesn't want me to be with Fox because he really likes me. And I've only known Fox for 4 days.

    So either way, I wasn't planning on a future with him...he's a couple hundred miles away. Not too bright. I was just having fun, and it was a fun weekend I spent with him. So whether he calls or not or whether he has a new girl or not, it doesn't really matter.

    Besides, there's a million other fish in the sea. Ones with far better circumstances.

    The Message. *gasp*


    "Hey Erin, it's me Stephen. Just calling to let you know I've haven't you know........*pause*

    Been able to talk to you in a couple days but my mom has my phone so you know what I'm saying, I'll try to call you back again later.

    Alrighty, bye."


    So....yeah. That was at about 6:00 PM. I would call him back, but he called me off his friend's phone, so I don't really wanna do that.

    My friend bet he'd call me back tonight, but I'm betting on Thursday or Friday.

    Aug. 12th, 2007


    I forgot to mention that ever since I met Fox we've been hanging out every night, and that we both really wanna be with the other.

    But we realize that it's not possible right now, as much as we'd like it to happen.

    He leaves today though, and neither of us want him to.

    He says he'll try to come back, and that he really wants to. Actually, he wants to promise me he'll come back, but he doesn't want to make a promise he doesn't know if he can keep. And I told him I didn't want him to guarantee me, because then he'd be lying to me, promising me something he didn't know about.

    This sucks so much!